Journey Home Part One

They say home is where the heart is but I am afraid my heart is broken into pieces because I have several homes. We were blessed last month to travel to a few of my homes. We arrived at 3:00 in the morning to Entebbe International Airport, I was greeted by the fresh night air with a bit of asphalt and exhaust fumes...such a familiar smell. We were one of the first off the plane as we were seated on the back row. This was nice as we were able to rush through the immunisation check and onto the visa office. It was nice to hear a familiar accent and kind welcome from the officer as he perused through our worn passports looking for an empty page. “ We would like an East African tourist visa” we asked, but he answered you are not tourists...Dave shared, “ Yes, we use to live here for 11 years many years ago”. He quickly gave us our visas and we moved to get our bags. Thankfully all 6 were there and we left the airport with ease but as we glimpsed the crowd of taxi drivers we did not see our friend, we called him on the phone and realised he was on his way. We quickly found some seats with a table in front of a coke kiosk.

      As we sat , we all committed that we had that feeling of belonging and that sense of home that we had not felt yet since moving to Chicagoland. It is funny how when you have not felt a feeling for over 4 years and you feel it again, it is kind of a surprise….a nice surprise...we knew exactly what to do in this situation. There was no thinking or guessing what the crowd was thinking or how we should respond ...it was second nature to us. We felt very comfortable even though everyone was staring at us. Many were asking at first if we wanted a ride but when we sat down they left us alone. Dave went into the shop and bought some chapatis (flat bread) and some passionfruit juice. Now we were really feeling at home! Such familiar sensation in our taste buds.

  Our friend that use to be my taxi driver but now has his own tourist business came and picked us and drove us into Kampala. It was now about 4:30 A.M as we drove on the airport road into Kampala. My mind drifted back on that first drive over 24 years ago when my sister had picked us up at the airport and we had driven this road for the first time. Back then the thing that had jumped out to me was all the coffins that lined the roads from the coffin stores. This was sadly due to the Aids epidemic that was at its highest point , where one in every three people were HIV positive. This time, I could not even find one coffin shop. What struck me, this time was all the houses and businesses that lined the road… and lights, lots of light.

We were being dropped off at the old American Club, which was one of our favorite haunts that we frequented often. Every Monday like clockwork our family would spend our day off at the club. Swimming pool, playground for the children, gym, and American food was such a special treat. It was also a fun social time as many other missionary families would also be around. Even missionary friends that lived up country would come and stay in the guest rooms. This would be our treat for our first day back in Africa to stay one night at the American Club which is now called the Makindye Country Club. I had sent an email requesting an earlier than usual check in of 5:00 AM. We found that the room was all ready. After unloading the car which the staff generously helped us with, we collapsed into our beds.

I was the first to wake up at about 9:00. I was eager to look at everything in the light of the sun. Everything was much as I had remembered with a few renovations and additions done over that years. The breakfast was one of my favorite things that were served at the club. I went and sat in our usual spot, comfy chairs that overlooked the pool area.

As my coffee was brought to me , my mind was flooded with all the memories of conversations that had taken place in this same spot. I was glad that I was up alone. I was able to have some sweet fellowship with the One who had drawn near me all these years and who has been my sweetest confidant these last 4 years in our transition.
As I was sitting there I could almost hear my kids laughing and playing with their friends. As if 20 years ago had not happened yet...I could see my three toe heads bouncing around with little Ruthie running after them ….and later Timothy would be on my lap...no!... Time had past and we had moved to Rwanda after 11 years in Uganda and then had moved to Chicagoland , where we have been living for the past 4 plus years. My oldest daughter had graduated from college and wedded, my two older sons are finishing up their university time, little Ruthie is now a junior in high school and baby Timothy is turning 14 years this month...I reminded myself. No these were not my little kids I saw swimming and laughing in the pool….time had passed...but I could remember and savor those sweet memories...I could be thankful and rejoice that God had allowed us to journey in this land for a season. I was thankful that we had been given a chance to return and to be reminded again that this life happened and it was real!

Third Culture Missionaries

As we are beginning to start a new church plant,  like  an expecting mother, one looks back and remembers other  births.  With the memory comes emotions such as

joy, excitement,

nervousness, fear, overwhelmed, disappointed,

delighted, hopeful,

            exhausted, humiliated,

                                          proud,

                                      insufficient,

                                                              elated,

                                   rejected,

                                                          and compassionate

just to name a few.

Before the birth not unlike any woman who is pregnant, one is dreaming about what this church can be-- you can almost picture the church 10 years from now: healthy, self- sustaining, growing,

                                           vibrant, multi-cultural,

                                  full of sinners washed clean my God’s grace and Jesus’s blood,

relevant to the community it is in,

and genuine.

This is the church I want to go to and this is the church we believe God is asking us to plant.

One of the first task in planting a church is to think who is our target? In Uganda,our target was upwardly mobile, young professionals and families. In Rwanda, our target was English-speaking diaspora, influencing leaders. Here in Chicagoland, we believe that God is calling us to leverage our relationships that He has given us with our East African Diaspora to reach other Third-culture folks.

What do we mean by Third -Culture folks? Another term would be cultural hybrids or global nomads. This is where you are living somewhere that is not your place of origin--your parents’ culture but you are not fully a part of this new culture-- you have blended the two and have formed a new third culture! This is the group we feel that we can reach and that can reach others.

We want to come alongside our East African friends and encourage them to reach out as missionaries to other third- culture folks as well as other plain Joes searching for God’s grace and fullness in their lives.

This weekend, we had lunch with a friend of ours from East Africa working here in Chicagoland. Dave asked her,” what do you have to offer America as a missionary?’” This was in response to her wanting to help us with this new church plant. She responded, “ The years I have been here, it is evident that God is put on a stool in the corner as people go about making decisions for their own lives….we from Rwanda did not have this luxury we needed to depend on Him for everything even our breath. This is really the reality for the whole world, but here in the U.S they are fooling themselves. I think I can share how to make God a part of your whole life. Also, I think we have learned some lessons on forgiveness and unity.”

Yes, God can use you as a missionary! The  American church needs more of your perspective and the seekers need to hear your voice. This is what Nations’ Chapel will be ---a place for our East African Diaspora friends to serve as missionaries reaching other multi-cultural folks and calling those hurting, lost, and seekers into a life-changing relationship with Jesus and his church!

Where Have I Been? Weddings,Goodbyes, Losses and Joys

Where have I been? I can not believe that it has been so long since I wrote my last blog post.

Writing for school got the best of me.... then our 4th move in less than 3 years has put me over the edge....then this summer I was pleasantly preoccupied with helping to plan our oldest daughter's two weddings. Yes you heard me right 2 wonderful weddings happened the 4th of July weekend and thankfully she married the same guy twice.

We had an African wedding--where we blended several cultures of Kenya,Uganda and Rwanda together. Our new East African community was a big help as I have learned--It takes a village to marry off your daughter! We had a huge feast and traditional Ugandan and Rwandan dancing and then we blended into an America wedding dance traditions. It was a joyous affair. Thankfully many friends and family helped to clean up and than the next morning we took the beautiful flowers ( that a new friend helped us buy wholesale) and all the vintage wedding decor that I had gathered for the last several months going to thrift stores and garage sales and we decorated the church and church lawn for a pie reception. 

The church wedding was so perfect! Sophia had borrowed my mother's wedding dress so that had set the tone for the vintage wedding. We found floral dresses that were made in the 50's for the bridesmaids. Old vintage floral mix matched table clothes and an eclectic array of pie and cake servers rounded out the look. Not to mention a little bit of lace and baby's breath in vintaged colored bottles. The church wedding was mostly attended by family and a few friends. The chapel where they married was small so we kept the guest list small. 

 Several from Dave's extended family came and many from my extended family came, driving from MN, KS and TX. Sophia's husband Matt's family and some extended family came as well. Matt and Sophia had several Wheaton friends attend. We had a few friends come from the community that we have made since moving to the U.S but this was a bit of the sad part about being a missionary and having friends all over the world---I missed several people and wished for their presence! 

Less than a week later we put Sophia and her husband Matt on a plane to move to Rwanda. It was really strange being at the airport staying as we said goodbye. I have said many good-byes at airports but this was one of the first times that I was not going .... it was a mixture of emotions: excitement and joy for Sophia and Matt to have this journey--for Sophia to go 'home' and teach at an international school that we helped to start and that she had graduated from--for Matt to see and experience a major part of what had shaped Sophia, her 18+ years of living in East Africa ---sadness and loss as we were going to miss out on being with them--miss spending time with them in these early stages of marriage....but there was also another loss that resurfaced--wishing that I was also going back home...it has been over 3 years now and we have yet to return even for a visit. I know in my head that one can never really go back-- people have moved away, things have changed, I have changed but I still miss it so much. I believe we are where God wants us for now but it is still so hard. 

Living in yet another community...in some ways starting a fresh...building new relationships. We have been here in the suburb of Chicago just a little over 3 months. We are living in an apartment in as a part of an organization called Outreach Community Ministries http://www.outreachcommunityministries.org/jubilee-village/ . A transitional housing program, in Carol Stream (a Western Chicago suburb), for young single moms, who are parenting one child, or pregnant with their first child, and are between the ages of 18 and 24.  Jubilee Village is a ministry that provides safe and secure housing, clinical case management by licensed professionals, and assists them as they work towards their personal, academic, and financial goals. 

We are serving  as volunteer houseparents. We’re on call three evenings per week, and we host one meal per week for the five single moms on our floor. Dave takes a walk around the property a few times per week to look for potential problems and does some minor maintenance.  I mainly spend time mentoring these young moms and loving on them and their kids. The position is a volunteer one, but Jubilee Village does provide us with housing, so we’ve felt a sense of relief in not worrying each month about whether we can pay rent.  

I am enjoying this new addition to our serving here in Chicago land, but our main focus as many of you know is starting an multi-cultural/ international church. Dave has an office in Cornerstone Christian Church and they have also graciously offered to let us you their building Sunday evenings for our new church plant to meet in. We are hoping to have our first service in the middle of Sept. Matt and Sophia's African wedding was held in their back lawn. We were thrilled with the turn out that came and celebrated with us. We had 2 long term friends from East Africa and family and the rest of the 250+ guest were relationships that we have built among the East African Diaspora living here in Chicagoland. It was nice to see the fruits of these short years. We are hoping that some of these new friends will start worshiping with us and be part of the catalyst in starting this church.

Back to losses... I know I have written this before but one of the things I miss most is deep relationships. Moving into several different areas in our short time back in the States has not been conducive for building meaningful relationships. I know that this takes time but it is also challenging because we are attending a couple of different churches as they are partnering with us in different ways. I am hoping as we move into more of a routine there will be at least the potential for some relationships to build. Meanwhile , I am learning a lot about myself and God is sustaining me but also reminding me of my need for others. He after all has created us for relationships. I only hope I do not become to warped during this relationship famine time that I loose all relationship skills and I am not a good friend when the opportunity arises.  Thankfully this is just a fleeting thought as my husband reminds me what a good friend I am. 

Well now you are all caught up! Hopefully it will not be 8 months before I write again!

 

Being Present

In the beginning of any new ministry sometimes just being present is what is needed. I have been thinking about this frequently in these early days of our work here in the city of Chicago.

Chicago Skyline 

Sometimes the tasks of getting the family settled....finding schools, sports and other extra activities...praying for good friends for them ....just learning where to shop for food, clothes etc...can be so consuming.

This past year I have been nannying for a friend. I have spent a lot of time sitting in comfy chair by the window cuddling and loving on this little infant.  I have often found myself staring out the window watching people pass by on the street.

My comfy prayer chair

This is also the same chair I sit in to have my quiet times in the morning. As the days and months have passed there are familiar faces that I see.  Two women, a middle age one and an elderly women walk together every morning. I imagine it is a mother and daughter. They speak to each other in an eastern European language. Even though I can not understand what they are saying it seems in a tone of friendly gossip or news sharing. As they past I prayer for them....God bless these women, bring good to them, draw them closer to you.

We live next door to some kind of half way house for women who have been in prison who are either pregnant or have given birth. Occasionally, they are out side and I can hear them yelling at their children. This is when I pray the most for these little ones and their mothers. Maybe this was the only examples of parenting they have experienced. How can I show God's heart to these women and children?

We also have immigrate children that love to run and play through the neighborhood. Mostly their sounds are joyful but there are rare moments when I can hear them arguing. Are they happy to be somewhere where they feel safe to run and play? Is America all they had hoped for? Is is hard for them to see their parents stressed trying to make it in this new land?

God, how can we help these families? How can we show them your love?

There are also a lot of Jewish families in our neighborhood. We have a Orthodox Boy's School just behind our apartment. There is a lot of laughter and joy that comes from the play ground. I find myself thinking about Jesus as a boy --did he learn some of the same things these boys are learning? I pray for these boys to find a relationship with the true Messiah. How can God use us in this Jewish community? Where are the open doors in such a tight knit community?

When I take my little boy that I watch for walks I have seen so many faces of people who are angry, sad, confuse and lonely.  How can God use me to bring his love to my neighbors? I do not feel called to stand on my street corner and preach but I do feel called to be present.  To be light in this darkness. To be ready like a soldier waiting to be called up when the commander needs me. God help me live intentionally. Knowing whose I am and help me be present in this community where you have placed me.

My neighborhood 

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Re-entry Has Not Been Easy

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity


It has been almost 2 years since we moved back to the U.S.
    
         Re-entry has not been easy.

There has been a lot about being here that I have enjoyed. Being closer to my college age kids and having a front row seat in their lives. Having special time with my extended family....and enjoying the feeling of accessibility to them....if we have a long weekend we can pick up and drive a while or fly briefly and be with family. It feels less detached as I felt when we lived abroad.

The ease of life here has been nice. Drinking from the tap, plugging things in without a thought to voltage or whether power is on or off, hot running water for bath, a sundry of cleaning supplies, convenient cooking,  and fast internet to name a few.

Being able to find so many gently used things for free or inexpensively easily and in abundance has been awesome!

  TARGET, malls, little specialty shops, and an abundant of thrift shops---I have really enjoyed. Sometimes I like just going to Target just to look without a long list of supplies that I have to get for the next 2+ years...it is nice knowing it will be there tomorrow!

Movies, in theaters and at home, plays, concerts, magazines , T.V and catching up on old T.V. series on Netflix and Hulu on the internet!

I have also enjoyed all the different churches we have visited--old and new, large and small, anglo, ethnic and multi-cultural--my favorite! I felt like I have feasted with all the lectures, seminars, retreats and classes I have attended.

There has also been a special bond that our family has developed as we are experiencing this adjustment together. We understand each other,share common memories, and exposure to new things. Our family has grown even closer through this season. For that I am thankful!

Now for the hard stuff..... I have read a lot on re-entry, and have sat at the feet of others that have gone before me through this... but I guess it is like going to the dentist...no amount of reading and preparing that you do takes away from the pain of going through the procedure. Being prepared did help some in terms of giving myself and  my family the language and postmarks of what we are experiencing.

What makes this hard? I have shared in some earlier posts about the loneliness http://jana-joyinthejourney.blogspot.com/2014/01/loneliness.html
 and making home a choice http://jana-joyinthejourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/home-is-choice.html?

It is hard to fully express what makes this hard...a few things are;

I have changed in the last 20 years as I have lived abroad.

The U.S. has changed in the last 20 years.

Struggling to be understood.

Struggling to understand or process this new place.

Resisting putting all my memories and real experiences in a box or picture album on a shelf.

Looking for where my unique experience and skills can be used.

An overwhelming 'home' sickness that is at times paralyzing.

Loneliness!

Sometimes I feel like I have so much inside of things I have seen
 and experienced of God's handiwork and there seems no outlet to share and I feel like I may erupt..... learning how to ponder these things in my heart.....

Another thing hard about this season is that it is not just me.
It is like adjusting to jet lag.
When you are traveling alone jet lag is hard but you can adjust in a few days but when you are traveling with your family who is adjusting to jet leg in different ways
                   jet lag drags on longer for Mom!

It would be nice if like flying you could adjust your breathing mask before helping others but this is not possible when you are a parent or spouse.
You can not tell your kids "just wait till mom gets all adjusted and then I will be there for you..."

But as I have helped my children thrive it has helped me as well and we have processed many things together...

It has not always been pretty...sometimes it is super hard to see your child you love so much hurting...and everything they are expressing is so similar to how you feel and you so wish they were not having to go through this and you know that is not their choice but a calling you have on your life. It is in times like this that I have to trust that God has this and just as he has walked with us in our past He is walking with us now!

Early on in our return an older missionary shared with us not to lose our missionary calling. We have held on to this encouragement and God has showed us more.....I wrote more on this in an earlier post http://jana-joyinthejourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/i-have-heard-levitical-call.html.
I think one thing that has helped us and hurt us is that we are somewhere new.

Most of things you read about re-entry talk about going back to a familiar place--some where that has been a place of significance either before you went abroad or some where you visited a lot during your time away....a place where you have family and friends . This can be helpful as you have a base of support but this can also be hard as you may feel that you must fit back into a place where both you and those around you have changed....the puzzle has changed and you, one piece of the puzzle has been re-cut. Sometimes I wish that our family had moved to a familiar place but both of our parents have moved during our time away and even our support bases had also gone through some significant shifts.  There are familiar individuals and shadows of old places but no real familiar place for our family.

We  kind of  had a clue that this would be the case for us and since our oldest daughter was going to school in Wheaton, Illinois; and there was a good soft landing for missionaries( Missionary Furlough Homes) we decided that it might be a good start for us.

After spending the majority of our ministry serving the Diaspora of East Africa we feel a lot of affiliation with them and as we transition from Wheaton into Chicago last fall this was one of the draws.  " I am all of the places that I have left my heart" Marina Sofia ---I so relate to this statement and I am determined to be who God has molded me to be and serve others from this place. Cities have been a part of the common denominator for us in all the places we have lived and Chicago has not disappointed. So instead of re-entry being adjusting back into something known we have seen "Re-entry is the opportunity to relaunch yourself into your next great thing"  Cate Brubaker,PhD

Relaunch.....I like the sound of that word better than trying to forget my experiences in order to fit the norm..... Next great thing.....I have joined God in some awesome stuff in Africa and there a temptation to think.....
was that the climax of my live....
No, I am still serving the same God and He is taking us to the next great thing and I can not wait!

A Third Culture Kid's Ramblings Pt 1

My earliest childhood memories-- sharing chai with my sister, Keri and Leila Merritt ( my childhood friends) and Mama Joyce ...dipping blueband spread bread sandwiches in the tea! Feeling the warmth not only from the Kenya sun but the warmth from the love and kindness of my Africa home.

My sister and I 

....Yes, Kumba, Cameroon .... yes that is the country Cameroon in West Africa... no Africa is a continent  -- Cameroon is the country of my birth....frustrating conversation with U.S. postal worker when filling out forms....

From the not so nice "n" word that I was called in 3rd grade when ignorant Texas kids found out I was from Kenya....to some of the curious questions ....." Did you have loins as pets?" ....." Did you live in a mud hut?" struggling to find the words to explain my world or worlds that are all mashed up!

Am I African? Cameroonian? Kenyan? American? Some where in between......  

A child's perspective is an interesting thing. Children take things at face value...I knew my simple idyllic life was just how it was. I loved concrete red floors....not so much the mosquito net that to often slummed into my face during the night and made me feel claustrophobic.  I loved passion fruit juice for breakfast, imaginary play with my sister and friends, big sisters verses little sisters, and all the adventure that would always seem to find us...... from the crazy man coming up in our yard to seeing the big girls attack by a wild hawk( Ok that was a bit scary!). Loved going to the pool almost every day after school....oh the cool water felt so good after my feet were so hot from running around with such thin soles of Bata tennis shoes.  Fairy circles, Narnia, survival games....so much fun even if we had to hide all our books so when the Merritt girls came over they would play with us and not read! 

Mom, my sister Debra,my brother Wade and me

I loved Sundays...although sometimes they were long days...the adventure of even the journey of getting to the rural church where my Dad would preach was exciting. We had a baby blue volkswagen  bug. I would often crawl back in to the 'back-back' and enjoy the journey from there. During the raining season we would get stuck in the mud but no problem several village folks would just push us out or sometimes even pick us up! When we arrived people would start to gather....us kids would run around ....beautiful green rolling hills and red dirt...goats, cows, and chickens to chase. Then we would gather for worship. Men would sit on one side and women and kids on the other...all on wooden benches under a tree or thatched roof enclosure with mud walls with splattered holes that the sun would shine through ---I often thought it looked like stars in the sky. A women in back would belt out a phrase of a song and we would all echo her with clapping and on some songs there was trilling! Then my mom would gather us kids up and we would go out side and sit on a

large mat. She would bring out her flannelgraph and tell the stories of the bible. This is my earliest memory of putting God's words in my heart. I loved the Noah story and Queen Easter.....the story of David and how God saw into his heart was my favorite. 

After church service we always went to one of the leader's home for lunch. Yummy chicken stew, greens and ugali ( corn meal mush) ...I can almost smell the charcoal infused food... which was enjoyed more because it was shared.  Then after the last pot of chai was consumed it was back in the blue bug for the long bumpy ride home....this time I would stretch out and sleep after we dropped off the few folks that squeezed in our car.

I have so many memories of my early growing up years in Kenya...but what stays with me the most is a sense of warmth, joy, adventure which all has given me the confidence to face life! And for that I am grateful!

Loneliness

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self."  Brendan Francis

I think this quote has summed up my journey these last year and a half.  Leaving one's community and moving somewhere totally new would of course be a lonely journey. So in some ways I was expecting some loneliness but the depth to which I have descended into loneliness has caught me by surprise.

I remember as a young girl my mother affirming in me that I was very good at making friends. I have always thought that some of the wonderful fruit from the pain of being a third culture kid was being able to build a community fast. I basically lived in two places as a child Kenya and west Texas. As an adult, I have lived in several places. Some places have taken longer to build friendships than others but community has always come. Even as I write this, I know that with time God will bring community because he has built us for that but this desert is hard to walk through. It is not only hard because I am an extrovert and I gain my energy from being with people but because I feel that my sense of self has been lost.

Maybe, I have lived long in the part of the world that one's self is defined by one's place in community. Now that I have no community outside of my family or a very beginning community, it feels as if I am a bit lost.

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." Mother Teresa. Dave and I have always felt that our wealth has been our relationships and this journey has felt like 'terrible poverty'.

 Besides moving somewhere new our family is going through transitions of 2 children going off to college.  Although, I am so proud of my 'adult ' kids this can really change the dynamics of your family and its culture.  Besides missing them terrible , it has taken some adjustment to our now family of 5. I am growing to appreciate and like our new family dynamics but it has been yet another change.

With such a change moving to the U.S after living in Africa for so long and our family changes and transitions, it has been hard to walk through these with out a community close by. The few phone calls and e-mails that we have received have been so appreciated but we have needed people to sit with us that know us and know who we are.

Just before Christmas we had some missionary friends over who were on furlough. After always being the new person and stranger at so many events and functions it was a breath of fresh air to be with people who knew me.  It was so sweet to talk about familiar people,places, and experiences. For them to talk about our future based on our past shared history.  Then on Christmas Eve we had our first visitors from East Africa --dear friends that we have known for many years. It was so nice to be with them and to be known. To laugh together and also share our struggles.

I think it was those experience in someways that helped to define the loneliness that I was feeling. It was not just not being able to hang out with girlfriends for coffee or praying with brothers and sisters....it was not being with people who really knew me and knew all the exciting journey that God had taken me on.

Sometimes because we are so far from our previous life it is easy for it to seem that it did not happen or was just a dream. Yesterday, I connected with a couple of my friends in Rwanda. We chatted over FB and although I would have preferred to have visited face to face...I was very thankful for this technology and connection with friends.

We started our first weekly small group in our home here in Chicago last Sunday night. I could see the beginnings of our new community. I know that my loneliness will not be a forever thing and this is just a season.

"But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." Luke 5:16 .This has been the redeeming fruit of this season---sweet fellowship with my Lord ---going to Him when in the past I may have turn to others. He has and is caring me through this time of loneliness.

Babies

When my children were babies I must admit this is one of my favorite stages!
I love infants!

I love the way they smell!

I love how much they like to cuddle!

I love how utterly dependent and trusting they are!

My foster baby Gabe

I love those early weeks when they look into your eyes and they are like a sponge soaking up all your love up.

God has taught me so many things through my care for babies. Not just caring for my own children but also those I have baby sat and fostered.

I remember the first time I put my oldest daughter , Sophia in a car seat to drive about an hour across town to visit her Grand parents. She cried and cried! I cried! I could not explain to her why being fastened in a plastic car seat was safer than being cradled in my arms. All she wanted was to be comforted my her mother and that is what I wanted to do but I knew the safest place for her was where I had her.

I remember like it was yesterday that during all that crying and frustration an understanding of my relationship with God my father came to me. Are there times when I am crying and do not understand the places that God has placed me? Just as I knew the car seat was the best place for Sophia , God knows the best place for his daughter to be. I must trust that God has me where He needs me to be.

Looking back on my life , I can now see many times that He has placed me some where that at the time I did not understand and felt betrayed,

neglected,

forgotten

and alone

but later realized that it was for my best and the kingdoms best and I saw God's glory come from it!

But I still am like a child and love the times that I am held the most. I love cuddling up to my Lord and soaking in all the love.
I feel this as I care for babies.

Sophia and I on our porch in Uganda

I can remember some of my most precious times with God have been during the quiet and stillness of the night as I was feeding my babies. Those are sacred moments that I will never forget!

This week as I have started to take care of a friend"s baby as she returns to work so many of these memories have come to my mind.

Babies are such a blessing from God!