Where Have I Been? Weddings,Goodbyes, Losses and Joys

Where have I been? I can not believe that it has been so long since I wrote my last blog post.

Writing for school got the best of me.... then our 4th move in less than 3 years has put me over the edge....then this summer I was pleasantly preoccupied with helping to plan our oldest daughter's two weddings. Yes you heard me right 2 wonderful weddings happened the 4th of July weekend and thankfully she married the same guy twice.

We had an African wedding--where we blended several cultures of Kenya,Uganda and Rwanda together. Our new East African community was a big help as I have learned--It takes a village to marry off your daughter! We had a huge feast and traditional Ugandan and Rwandan dancing and then we blended into an America wedding dance traditions. It was a joyous affair. Thankfully many friends and family helped to clean up and than the next morning we took the beautiful flowers ( that a new friend helped us buy wholesale) and all the vintage wedding decor that I had gathered for the last several months going to thrift stores and garage sales and we decorated the church and church lawn for a pie reception. 

The church wedding was so perfect! Sophia had borrowed my mother's wedding dress so that had set the tone for the vintage wedding. We found floral dresses that were made in the 50's for the bridesmaids. Old vintage floral mix matched table clothes and an eclectic array of pie and cake servers rounded out the look. Not to mention a little bit of lace and baby's breath in vintaged colored bottles. The church wedding was mostly attended by family and a few friends. The chapel where they married was small so we kept the guest list small. 

 Several from Dave's extended family came and many from my extended family came, driving from MN, KS and TX. Sophia's husband Matt's family and some extended family came as well. Matt and Sophia had several Wheaton friends attend. We had a few friends come from the community that we have made since moving to the U.S but this was a bit of the sad part about being a missionary and having friends all over the world---I missed several people and wished for their presence! 

Less than a week later we put Sophia and her husband Matt on a plane to move to Rwanda. It was really strange being at the airport staying as we said goodbye. I have said many good-byes at airports but this was one of the first times that I was not going .... it was a mixture of emotions: excitement and joy for Sophia and Matt to have this journey--for Sophia to go 'home' and teach at an international school that we helped to start and that she had graduated from--for Matt to see and experience a major part of what had shaped Sophia, her 18+ years of living in East Africa ---sadness and loss as we were going to miss out on being with them--miss spending time with them in these early stages of marriage....but there was also another loss that resurfaced--wishing that I was also going back home...it has been over 3 years now and we have yet to return even for a visit. I know in my head that one can never really go back-- people have moved away, things have changed, I have changed but I still miss it so much. I believe we are where God wants us for now but it is still so hard. 

Living in yet another community...in some ways starting a fresh...building new relationships. We have been here in the suburb of Chicago just a little over 3 months. We are living in an apartment in as a part of an organization called Outreach Community Ministries http://www.outreachcommunityministries.org/jubilee-village/ . A transitional housing program, in Carol Stream (a Western Chicago suburb), for young single moms, who are parenting one child, or pregnant with their first child, and are between the ages of 18 and 24.  Jubilee Village is a ministry that provides safe and secure housing, clinical case management by licensed professionals, and assists them as they work towards their personal, academic, and financial goals. 

We are serving  as volunteer houseparents. We’re on call three evenings per week, and we host one meal per week for the five single moms on our floor. Dave takes a walk around the property a few times per week to look for potential problems and does some minor maintenance.  I mainly spend time mentoring these young moms and loving on them and their kids. The position is a volunteer one, but Jubilee Village does provide us with housing, so we’ve felt a sense of relief in not worrying each month about whether we can pay rent.  

I am enjoying this new addition to our serving here in Chicago land, but our main focus as many of you know is starting an multi-cultural/ international church. Dave has an office in Cornerstone Christian Church and they have also graciously offered to let us you their building Sunday evenings for our new church plant to meet in. We are hoping to have our first service in the middle of Sept. Matt and Sophia's African wedding was held in their back lawn. We were thrilled with the turn out that came and celebrated with us. We had 2 long term friends from East Africa and family and the rest of the 250+ guest were relationships that we have built among the East African Diaspora living here in Chicagoland. It was nice to see the fruits of these short years. We are hoping that some of these new friends will start worshiping with us and be part of the catalyst in starting this church.

Back to losses... I know I have written this before but one of the things I miss most is deep relationships. Moving into several different areas in our short time back in the States has not been conducive for building meaningful relationships. I know that this takes time but it is also challenging because we are attending a couple of different churches as they are partnering with us in different ways. I am hoping as we move into more of a routine there will be at least the potential for some relationships to build. Meanwhile , I am learning a lot about myself and God is sustaining me but also reminding me of my need for others. He after all has created us for relationships. I only hope I do not become to warped during this relationship famine time that I loose all relationship skills and I am not a good friend when the opportunity arises.  Thankfully this is just a fleeting thought as my husband reminds me what a good friend I am. 

Well now you are all caught up! Hopefully it will not be 8 months before I write again!

 

Re-entry Has Not Been Easy

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity


It has been almost 2 years since we moved back to the U.S.
    
         Re-entry has not been easy.

There has been a lot about being here that I have enjoyed. Being closer to my college age kids and having a front row seat in their lives. Having special time with my extended family....and enjoying the feeling of accessibility to them....if we have a long weekend we can pick up and drive a while or fly briefly and be with family. It feels less detached as I felt when we lived abroad.

The ease of life here has been nice. Drinking from the tap, plugging things in without a thought to voltage or whether power is on or off, hot running water for bath, a sundry of cleaning supplies, convenient cooking,  and fast internet to name a few.

Being able to find so many gently used things for free or inexpensively easily and in abundance has been awesome!

  TARGET, malls, little specialty shops, and an abundant of thrift shops---I have really enjoyed. Sometimes I like just going to Target just to look without a long list of supplies that I have to get for the next 2+ years...it is nice knowing it will be there tomorrow!

Movies, in theaters and at home, plays, concerts, magazines , T.V and catching up on old T.V. series on Netflix and Hulu on the internet!

I have also enjoyed all the different churches we have visited--old and new, large and small, anglo, ethnic and multi-cultural--my favorite! I felt like I have feasted with all the lectures, seminars, retreats and classes I have attended.

There has also been a special bond that our family has developed as we are experiencing this adjustment together. We understand each other,share common memories, and exposure to new things. Our family has grown even closer through this season. For that I am thankful!

Now for the hard stuff..... I have read a lot on re-entry, and have sat at the feet of others that have gone before me through this... but I guess it is like going to the dentist...no amount of reading and preparing that you do takes away from the pain of going through the procedure. Being prepared did help some in terms of giving myself and  my family the language and postmarks of what we are experiencing.

What makes this hard? I have shared in some earlier posts about the loneliness http://jana-joyinthejourney.blogspot.com/2014/01/loneliness.html
 and making home a choice http://jana-joyinthejourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/home-is-choice.html?

It is hard to fully express what makes this hard...a few things are;

I have changed in the last 20 years as I have lived abroad.

The U.S. has changed in the last 20 years.

Struggling to be understood.

Struggling to understand or process this new place.

Resisting putting all my memories and real experiences in a box or picture album on a shelf.

Looking for where my unique experience and skills can be used.

An overwhelming 'home' sickness that is at times paralyzing.

Loneliness!

Sometimes I feel like I have so much inside of things I have seen
 and experienced of God's handiwork and there seems no outlet to share and I feel like I may erupt..... learning how to ponder these things in my heart.....

Another thing hard about this season is that it is not just me.
It is like adjusting to jet lag.
When you are traveling alone jet lag is hard but you can adjust in a few days but when you are traveling with your family who is adjusting to jet leg in different ways
                   jet lag drags on longer for Mom!

It would be nice if like flying you could adjust your breathing mask before helping others but this is not possible when you are a parent or spouse.
You can not tell your kids "just wait till mom gets all adjusted and then I will be there for you..."

But as I have helped my children thrive it has helped me as well and we have processed many things together...

It has not always been pretty...sometimes it is super hard to see your child you love so much hurting...and everything they are expressing is so similar to how you feel and you so wish they were not having to go through this and you know that is not their choice but a calling you have on your life. It is in times like this that I have to trust that God has this and just as he has walked with us in our past He is walking with us now!

Early on in our return an older missionary shared with us not to lose our missionary calling. We have held on to this encouragement and God has showed us more.....I wrote more on this in an earlier post http://jana-joyinthejourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/i-have-heard-levitical-call.html.
I think one thing that has helped us and hurt us is that we are somewhere new.

Most of things you read about re-entry talk about going back to a familiar place--some where that has been a place of significance either before you went abroad or some where you visited a lot during your time away....a place where you have family and friends . This can be helpful as you have a base of support but this can also be hard as you may feel that you must fit back into a place where both you and those around you have changed....the puzzle has changed and you, one piece of the puzzle has been re-cut. Sometimes I wish that our family had moved to a familiar place but both of our parents have moved during our time away and even our support bases had also gone through some significant shifts.  There are familiar individuals and shadows of old places but no real familiar place for our family.

We  kind of  had a clue that this would be the case for us and since our oldest daughter was going to school in Wheaton, Illinois; and there was a good soft landing for missionaries( Missionary Furlough Homes) we decided that it might be a good start for us.

After spending the majority of our ministry serving the Diaspora of East Africa we feel a lot of affiliation with them and as we transition from Wheaton into Chicago last fall this was one of the draws.  " I am all of the places that I have left my heart" Marina Sofia ---I so relate to this statement and I am determined to be who God has molded me to be and serve others from this place. Cities have been a part of the common denominator for us in all the places we have lived and Chicago has not disappointed. So instead of re-entry being adjusting back into something known we have seen "Re-entry is the opportunity to relaunch yourself into your next great thing"  Cate Brubaker,PhD

Relaunch.....I like the sound of that word better than trying to forget my experiences in order to fit the norm..... Next great thing.....I have joined God in some awesome stuff in Africa and there a temptation to think.....
was that the climax of my live....
No, I am still serving the same God and He is taking us to the next great thing and I can not wait!

Loneliness

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self."  Brendan Francis

I think this quote has summed up my journey these last year and a half.  Leaving one's community and moving somewhere totally new would of course be a lonely journey. So in some ways I was expecting some loneliness but the depth to which I have descended into loneliness has caught me by surprise.

I remember as a young girl my mother affirming in me that I was very good at making friends. I have always thought that some of the wonderful fruit from the pain of being a third culture kid was being able to build a community fast. I basically lived in two places as a child Kenya and west Texas. As an adult, I have lived in several places. Some places have taken longer to build friendships than others but community has always come. Even as I write this, I know that with time God will bring community because he has built us for that but this desert is hard to walk through. It is not only hard because I am an extrovert and I gain my energy from being with people but because I feel that my sense of self has been lost.

Maybe, I have lived long in the part of the world that one's self is defined by one's place in community. Now that I have no community outside of my family or a very beginning community, it feels as if I am a bit lost.

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." Mother Teresa. Dave and I have always felt that our wealth has been our relationships and this journey has felt like 'terrible poverty'.

 Besides moving somewhere new our family is going through transitions of 2 children going off to college.  Although, I am so proud of my 'adult ' kids this can really change the dynamics of your family and its culture.  Besides missing them terrible , it has taken some adjustment to our now family of 5. I am growing to appreciate and like our new family dynamics but it has been yet another change.

With such a change moving to the U.S after living in Africa for so long and our family changes and transitions, it has been hard to walk through these with out a community close by. The few phone calls and e-mails that we have received have been so appreciated but we have needed people to sit with us that know us and know who we are.

Just before Christmas we had some missionary friends over who were on furlough. After always being the new person and stranger at so many events and functions it was a breath of fresh air to be with people who knew me.  It was so sweet to talk about familiar people,places, and experiences. For them to talk about our future based on our past shared history.  Then on Christmas Eve we had our first visitors from East Africa --dear friends that we have known for many years. It was so nice to be with them and to be known. To laugh together and also share our struggles.

I think it was those experience in someways that helped to define the loneliness that I was feeling. It was not just not being able to hang out with girlfriends for coffee or praying with brothers and sisters....it was not being with people who really knew me and knew all the exciting journey that God had taken me on.

Sometimes because we are so far from our previous life it is easy for it to seem that it did not happen or was just a dream. Yesterday, I connected with a couple of my friends in Rwanda. We chatted over FB and although I would have preferred to have visited face to face...I was very thankful for this technology and connection with friends.

We started our first weekly small group in our home here in Chicago last Sunday night. I could see the beginnings of our new community. I know that my loneliness will not be a forever thing and this is just a season.

"But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." Luke 5:16 .This has been the redeeming fruit of this season---sweet fellowship with my Lord ---going to Him when in the past I may have turn to others. He has and is caring me through this time of loneliness.

In the Saturdays of life

 I love going to the movies. Most Friday nights are date nights and Dave usually takes me to see a movie. This is one of the things I enjoy in America because we didn’t have a movie theatre in Rwanda (I have heard one has opened since we moved).

           

            One of the things I like about movies is that there is a clear beginning, middle and end. Most movies are pretty well tied up in an hour and a half.

            Unfortunately, life is not as clearly tied up. There are lots of beginnings and endings but many times you are in the middle. I heard a sermon recently that said we like to hear the Friday---‘Jesus dying on the cross for our sins’---sermons and the Sunday----‘Jesus rising from the dead’-----sermons but we do not hear many Saturday –--- ‘the in between – waiting – what is going to happen next?'sermons! 

 Well this newsletter is just that –--- a waiting –--- what is God going to do next kind of a letter…

            This has not been the easiest season in our lives but we have tried hard not to give way to depression, anger, and bitterness, as we have allowed ourselves to grief, cry, relinquish, celebrate and be thankful for the journey that we are on. We know that God has called us back to the States for a season and we thought we had a pretty clear picture –-- we had a good “preview” of what we were going to do.

http://www.kicsrw.org/

            We thought our primary role coming back to the US was to build ROC’s network –--- tell the story of what God has and is doing in Rwanda and recruit others and raise needed resources. We have and are doing this. Dave just got back from a week at York college in Nebraska where he spoke in chapel and taught in several classes. He had several meals with folks doing just that - recruiting KICS teachers and sharing about all God has done through those of us with ROC.

            But as we were leaving Rwanda and sharing with our CCR family that we were moving to Chicago many shared about children and relatives that were living in the Greater Chicago Area and we have also sensed God calling us to shepherd the Diaspora living here in Chicago Area.

http://www.facebook.com/ChristsChurchRwanda

 What does this look like?

 Currently it looks like 3 main things:

1.     We first began following up visiting all the children and relatives of our CCR family. It was almost 15 folks but the number has grown to over 30 relatives from CCR. 

2.     We have widened our network to include those from the Great Lakes region of Africa. This includes Rwanda, Burundi, Tanzania, Uganda, Kenya and Congo. Dave and I started going to different fellowships of Kenyans, Ugandans, Tanzanians, and meeting lots of people – making new friendships and renewing old networks of our Uganda years and my Kenya childhood.

I love all the fellowship and prayers that this African Table has seen!

3.     We have been having these people in our home on Saturday nights for an African meal, fellowship, and prayer. We have also been going to their homes as well.

TCK(Third Culture Kids) both missionary and Diaspora have so much in common!  

Laughter--- a universal healer!

 Prayer-- Brings us to His feet
 in utter dependance!

But what does all this mean…

We are in the Saturdays right now……. We can look back at Friday and feel the loss of our 

19+ years in East Africa – see how God used us and was so gracious with us ...We can look ahead to Sunday.... though it is not fully clear... will we be working at a local university, on staff at a local church, or involved in church planting????…. We are not sure how God is planning on resurrecting our gifts and experiences for His Glory but we know Sunday is coming!

            But today we are in the Saturdays serving whom He brings us, praying, grieving all our losses, praying, eagerly waiting, praying, learning, praying, playing with different possibilities, praying, filling out different job applications, praying, sharing about ROC and CCR, praying, recruiting for KICS, praying, helping our kids adjust and thrive in their new environment, praying, meeting lots of new people, praying, slowly starting to build community, praying…

            Will you join us in our Saturday? We have lost some big contributors, we are praying for our daily bread… God has been so faithful and many of you have given so sacrificially and faithfully! Thank you for joining us in our Saturday time! We need your prayers and support!

            We will keep you updated and I assure you when our Sunday comes we will share in more detail what God is asking for us in our next chapter!

Blessings,

Jana for the Jenkins